Errant Knight

by Clive James and Pete Atkin

My Lady Anne your champion's depressed
I'm not in shape to carry on the quest
I have to keep my speed down to a trot
Or lose what little armour plate I've got

My screws are loose, my clamps are hanging off
My helmet topples every time I cough
I topple with it every time I charge
I've gotta get this suit to a garage

Oh do you wonder I feel so uptight
Times were never tougher for an errant knight

My faithful steed is the joke of Joyous Gard
And sensitive withal he takes it hard
His forward gears are shot, and what is worse
He's too slow for my safety in reverse

So there we go, my faithful steed and me
No third party, tax or M.O.T.
And there beside me rides my faithful squire
His card's unstamped, his trumpet fixed with wire

Oh do you wonder I feel so uptight
Times were never tougher for an errant knight

For tomorrow I must fight Sir Valentine
Thy hateful ravisher, the prancing swine
The time has come for him to meet his fate
From me, Sir Sagramore the second-rate

The joust is in the morning, Lady Anne
And you not there? My one and only fan
This time I pray that I may stay the course
And not fall from the crane and miss my horse

Oh do you wonder I feel so uptight
Times were never tougher for an errant knight

But Justice, God and Truth watch over me
At half a sovereign ringside, children free
Sir Valentine the Violent is through
Providing God comes up with something new

'Cause his drop-forged armour and his tungsten axe
His horse that runs on caterpillar tracks
That showy stuff is strictly for parades
Like his rocket launcher, radar and grenades

Oh do you wonder I feel so uptight
Times were never tougher for an errant knight

Sir Valentine the Violent, supersword
Tilts with me tomorrow on the sward
Thy just revenge lies in my hand and eye
My faithful squire has bade me do or die
And put all his money on the other guy

So dost thou wonder I feel so uptight
Times were never tougher for an errant knight

Oh do you wonder I feel so uptight
Times were never tougher
Like rugged, man, and rougher
Times were never tougher for an errant knight